Progress....

3 days in a row at the gym! Im having to increase the incline on the treadmill to keep my heart rate where it needs to be! Yay....it feels good to know that I am making progress.

Weighing In....

So, I missed last weeks weigh in which made going this week even more nerve wracking. I was so afraid I wouldnt have lost anything which would make me sick. I did pretty good the past 2 weeks. Only small moments of weakness but nothing to ruin my efforts. I definitely need to work out more....working on that. I also need to drink more water....working on that too.

So, I get on the scale.....5.2 pounds lost in 2 weeks! Not great but not bad either. The depressing part is that Denver lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks. I hate men. It isnt fair and it really upsets me. But, there is nothing I can do about it so whatever. Ive lost a total of just a little under 9 pounds. This is great if it keeps up this way then I will have lost 30 pounds by April. I will keep that in the back of my head when twinkies start calling.

Feeling frustrated.

Because I cant seem to feel motivated. One minute Im ready to go and do this and the next Im just thinking "forget it". I just know when I weigh in on Monday that I wont like it. I just have this feeling that after 2 weeks, there wont be a loss. I dont know if I can handle it. I only made it to the gym twice this week. I eat within my points but I dont make great food choices still. I dont know. Im feeling weak......

Try again....

Ok, so I am off to the gym. I'm going to try this early morning thing again. Drop the kids off....straight to the gym. I think it will work better for me to get it out of the way first thing. I cant go during the day due to watching my nephew and by the time he leaves its dinner- homework -baths.....etc. No time or energy for the gym. Yes, I think this will work much better. Im finding myself wishing that this weight loss thing would happen quickly. I really am becoming interested in possibly running again.....ugh.....I cant believe I even said it. But, I was in great shape when I used to run in the Air Force....I'd like to enter a 5k or something next year. We'll see.....baby steps I guess. I need to lose almost 100 pounds.. That is just sick. I think I would be happy losing 80 considering I have had 3 children. 100 pounds would put me where I was in the Air Force before I had children.... that is probably wishful thinking but 80 pounds is very doable. If I averaged 2 pounds per week, in one year I would lose 104 pounds. This being said, I think 80 pounds is a very reasonable goal. But again, baby steps.. I'd like to start by losing 10 this month....

Weak....

I swear. I must be the weakest person on this earth. Ive been doing so well that past couple of weeks but today has been difficult. A friend of mine brought over homemade oatmeal choc chip cookies......which, my kids didnt really like so I should have just thrown them away. But I couldnt do that. I ate 3 of them instead. I know that she made them with whole wheat flour but still..... I think I need to put a sign out in front of my house that says "NO BAKED GOODS ALLOWED". And, can I just say that I enjoyed every single bite of every single one that I ate? I think it must be like an addiction because I get such a sense of satisfaction out it. I mean, seriously, the second I take a bite its like a feeling of relief instantly floods my body. What is with that? I dont know.....I guess on the upside of things, I still have plenty of points for the day so I will be able to eat dinner and the cookies didnt do that much damage except for the fact that it feels like Im starting over. Right now I am struggling with whether or not to go to the gym. Im tired - My sis-in-law just picked up Soren a few minutes ago and my kids arent even dressed for the day (yes it is almost 6oclock.) It is freezing outside....I need to go to the store.... Excuses, excuses. I really wish I could just go to the gym without the kids once in a while but that is not my life right now. I am considering getting up early to go....before everyone gets up. It will be hard though because I HATE alarm clocks. I also feel guilty that Denver is sleeping and if Addison wakes up early he has to deal with her. People say I shouldnt worry about that because Denver would want me to go to the gym.....I think that is probably true most of the time but there will be a day here and there where it irritates him. Anyway, if I could just get myself to bed early with the kids at 8:30 then it would work....

Body Image......

No Weigh In.....

Well, we didnt make it to WW today for our weigh in. It snowed about 7 inches last night and is still snowing. Of course I got to drive home at 4:30 in the morning before any of the plows had made it out. That is the worst part about working my shift in the winter. I get to drive in the worst of the storms. I missed getting in 2 accidents last night literally by a hair. It was pretty scary and so we decided to stay in today and skip the meeting. The kids didnt have school due to MLK day so we are all just going to stay in and stay warm. I did get on my home scale which isnt very accurate and it shows me down a few pounds but who knows. That scale sucks. I will just keep it going this week and then next Monday maybe I will have an even better weigh in! More good news is that since we didnt go to the meeting, I actually got 7 hours of sleep. That is the most Ive gotten in a long time.....I think I will go to the gym today (after the roads get plowed)

One & be Done.....

Well, I havent posted for a couple of days due to just being busy. Busy is good though because it keeps my mind off of food. I had a little relapse the other night though. I made a half batch of chocolate chip cookies for the kids. (at least that is what Im telling myself they were for....) I only ate 3 which was within my points still but I shouldnt have made them at all. Even if I still stick to my points, I need to give that stuff up otherwise it will continue to be an uphill battle for me. I hope to be able to eat just one eventually.....one and be done. That is going to be my new motto.

But in better news, I have made it to the gym twice this week and today will make 3 times....I will be going after Im done with this post. Mondays I cant go because I work all night the night before and spend the entire morning sleeping. Mondays are always shot for me because even after I get up, my motivation level is really low. I usually only get about 5 hours of sleep and it just isnt enough to sustain a workout. So, I went Tues, Thurs, and today. I will also go Sat and Sun if I can..... My knees were killing me the first day but yesterday I felt pretty good. Im going to just continue with my 30 minutes on the treadmill until I get about 15-20 pounds off, then I will increase my time and make it more intense. I dont want to ruin my knees and with all this weight bearing down on them it is amazing that they havent given out already.

The Gym....

Well, I made it to the gym this morning. I think I thought of every excuse not to go while I was getting the kids ready for school but ultimately I went. I walked briskly on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Not long I know, but it's all I can manage right now. Im hoping to increase that time slowly. My knees were killing me by the end.....it sucks being fat. I took Addison with me and left her in the daycare center at the gym. I was worried she wouldnt make it without her brothers but she did great! That is a good sign that I will be able to continue going in the morning. Anyway, I hope to eventually start jogging. That is a ways off though considering my knees, but I would like to be able to run 2 miles a day in the near future. Ive never been a good runner. Even in the Air Force, I struggled with running. But, back then it was for an entirely different reason. I had always been larged busted and that made running uncomfortable. Now, I dont have that problem thanks to surgery but Im big everywhere else so I still cant run comfortably. I would like to eventually run a small 5k or something. Who knows maybe one day I will enjoy running......?

First Weigh In....

Ok so technically its the 2nd. But I mean the first after actually starting my new way of eating. I didnt post on the weekend.....mostly out of shame. I did OK but I work a graveyard shift over the weekend and it is pure torture not eating during that 8 hours. Some would say that I should eat because my schedule is just reversed right? Wrong. It would be right if I got to sleep the whole next day but with my schedule and family life that is nearly impossible. 5 hours is the max I get to sleep so Im still up eating meals during the day. Anyway, since I really only work 3 nights, I dont see the sense in doing a different eating schedule every other day. Im just going to have to get through it. I do eat fat free popcorn or cashews once in a while for energy....also fruit. I figure those points arent really going to hurt me. So, Saturday night I decided to stay home from work since I had a PAC (an award that allows me to take a day off without reprimand). Denver and I decided to rent a movie after the kids had been put to bed. I had already eaten all my points for the day but we got treats anyway....the popcorn and diet coke were "point-less" but then I ate a bag of peanut butter m&m's and who knows how many points that was....I didnt dare look. All in all I did pretty good this week and so this morning we went to weigh in and .......... I lost a whopping 3 pounds. I know that is great on some levels but inside Im just sortof undecided about how I feel. You see, Im roughly 90 pounds overweight.....to me that should mean that the first 20 or 30 pounds should come off quite easily. Apparently that is not the case with me. Im hoping that when I add exercise into the mix that the pounds will come off a little quicker initially. I really need this for my brain to wrap around the idea of eating better. I understand that slower weight loss means more permanent results but I need to see some results initially or I get really depressed about it. Anyway, here is to another good week of eating right and being healthy......I am going to get those measurements on soon, I have to find my tape measure.

The "Talk"....

Today I visited the Therapist for the first time. It went alright I suppose. She was nice enough... didnt seem too judgemental. It was a bit overwhelming though when she asked what was the main reason I had sought her assistance. Where do you start with that? Anyway, Im still a little skeptical about how much this is really going to help me considering that ultimately I still have to be the one making the choices in my life. She isnt going to make them for me. But, everyone says therapy works so I'll keep going.

Still doing good on day three of no sweets. But I should clear it up that I can have certain things such as the 0% fat ice cream I had last night. Its just 2 points per serving. When I say no sweets I mean snickers bars and brownies and cookies that I make....the good stuff. You know. Anyway, Im feeling better today physically....I think my body is happy to be eating less and healthier. Next week I have to tackle the gym though....Im scared for that.

Day 3.....

So, Ive decided Im going to break this "lifestyle change" down into manageable goals. And those goals are not necessarily going to focused on actually pounds lost. No, this isnt about weighing less as much as it is about being healthier and having some pride in myself. The weight loss will just come along with those things. I thought for the first month I will set a weekly goal. One that I of course will continue and then build on with a new goal the following week. For my first week, the goal has been.......to resist sweets. I have an issue with baked goods. Not candy or anything like that.....doughnuts, cookies, brownies, that kind of stuff. I feel like that is the most severe part of my diet that I need to change. If I can go without it for a week then it will be easier to continue going without it. So far so good. Im only on day 3 but it was a good day. I think next week Im going to set 2 goals: 1. To make sure I get my daily water requirements in. and 2. to exercise at least 30 minutes 3 days out of the week....to increase each week of course. I feel more motivated today than yesterday.....

Sweet tooth....

Ok so, I just had a yummy dinner that was totally satisfying. Im in a good mood. Listening to music, playing with the kids.....and I cant get my mind off of brownies. They say I should sit and try to figure out what I am feeling.....bored, depressed, anxious.....but I cant tell you really. Im fine. So why the intense craving.....why cant I stop thinking about it? If I didnt think I would eat the entire pan, I would make some right now. I would love to figure out what my problem is. I went to Shop n Go to grab a diet coke earlier and had to fight the urge to buy a bag of chocolate chips to make cookies......UGH! But, if I am going to focus on positive things, I DID resist those urges, painful as it was, I resisted. I hope that it gets easier to resist. I hope I can get to the point where I can just have one piece or one bite of something like that and feel satisfied.....yeah.

Weight Watchers.....

Ok, so I managed to get myself and my husband to Weight Watchers this morning. I worked all night long and got home at 5am. This poses a huge problem for me....I snack all night long. I know I shouldnt but I get so bored and feel like I should be eating something. The nature of my work is data entry and we arent allowed to talk on the work floor so needless to say that after 3 months of working there, I dont know anyone except my brothers' wifes' brother...?????.... This means sitting alone and stuffing my face with vending machine junk.

Well, this morning we checked in and weighed and I wasnt as shocked as I thought I would be. Frankly, I feel like Ive gained 25 pounds in the past few months but apparently I havent gained more than about 3 pounds. Not too bad.....but lets not forget that at my weight even one pound more is disgusting. So, my weight.........drum roll please........ 257 pounds. At least my husband weighed more at 275. Either way it is gross. We sat through the meeting which was torture. We are going to a "mommy and me" meeting where they allow you to bring your kids. We have to bring Addison with us, the boys are in school. Lots of screaming kids and hard to pay attention. The first one is always the worst though.

Now, I am going to take some measurements and post them as well as a picture.....my camerman is already at work for the evening so it will have to wait until tomorrow. How am I feeling? Im dying for a cheese burger. Ive only eaten a slim fast and piece of toast and wheat thins today which is not enough food but Im so bored with what is in my house. I cant go to the store until Thursday (pay day) though so Im stuck with what we have and I would just rather not eat. That is half of my problem. I dont eat enough and my metabolism suffers for it. Plus, I need to get back to the gym. One thing at a time. I need to get in good eating mode first. Im not feeling very motivated today but I think that will change as I go......

This is the beginning of the end...

This picture is not of me, but it is how I feel. I can no longer stand myself. I look into the mirror, a window, the eyes of people I know or dont know, and I am disgusted. I see a person who has given up on herself. How weak it feels to see that I dont care. That I have let my life consume the person that I used to be. It's funny, but when I am going about my daily routines, I dont feel like I am that overweight. Yes, I know that I am FAT but I dont think I realize just how FAT I have become. Until I see myself in a picture or a mirror. Total denial really. But, this is the end of the denial. When I go to my closet and my FAT clothes no longer fit, I know Im in trouble. So, it is the beginning of a new year. Why not a new me? I have decided to keep this blog journal of my experience. The ups and downs, because believe me there will be downs. The successes and failures. My feelings during this "break-up". That is what this is really. I dont eat for the enjoyment of food. I have a relationship with food. Even though I dont understand how that is possible, I know that it is true. I think that it will be painful initially but I want to see food in a different way. Not as something to fill my void but as something to give me energy and vitality. That is what food is. Energy. Nothing more. Nothing less. Granted sometimes food can be fun and exciting....just watch the Food Network! But, for me, it needs to be sustinence and nothing more. So, thats it. I know I can do this. I have tried and failed so many many times. This has to be it. One of the things that made me realize that Im in a bad "relationship" with my food was the fact that no matter what the motivation, I cant give it up. For example, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ballroom Dancing and miss it very much. I found an adult Ballroom Dance camp that BYU holds every summer with professional instructors from around the world....including some from the show Dancing with the Stars. It is one week long and I sooooo want to attend. It costs $400. I am too FAT to attend. My dad offered to pay for half of it if I could lose the weight that I wanted or needed to. That was last summer, I have only gained weight since that offer. I truly believe that there is nothing out there that could motivate me enough, at least material things anyway. Today my motivation is that I have 3 beautiful children who dont deserve the example I am setting. They are still young but very aware of my FAT. I dont want them to struggle with this demon. Especially my daughter. I dont ever want her to feel the way I do.....the self loathing, the disgust. Not her. I want her to love herself so she can reach her full potential in life. My boys too, but it is more difficult on girls in today's world. This is my main motivation. My doctor tells me I am pre-diabetic. That should be motivation right? But there are justifications. "I have always been healthy regardless of my weight". "Im tall and hide it well". "I am big boned and can handle extra weight". This is the stuff that circulates inside of my head when I am feeling ashamed. Excuses.....lame ones. I could go on but I think this enough for my opening post. Tomorrow I will begin Weight Watchers. I will post my weight and other statistics tomorrow along with a beginning picture. I have also scheduled an appointment with a therapist. Something new for me. An approach I havent tried but feel confident could be the missing piece to my success. So, until then......