This is the beginning of the end...

This picture is not of me, but it is how I feel. I can no longer stand myself. I look into the mirror, a window, the eyes of people I know or dont know, and I am disgusted. I see a person who has given up on herself. How weak it feels to see that I dont care. That I have let my life consume the person that I used to be. It's funny, but when I am going about my daily routines, I dont feel like I am that overweight. Yes, I know that I am FAT but I dont think I realize just how FAT I have become. Until I see myself in a picture or a mirror. Total denial really. But, this is the end of the denial. When I go to my closet and my FAT clothes no longer fit, I know Im in trouble. So, it is the beginning of a new year. Why not a new me? I have decided to keep this blog journal of my experience. The ups and downs, because believe me there will be downs. The successes and failures. My feelings during this "break-up". That is what this is really. I dont eat for the enjoyment of food. I have a relationship with food. Even though I dont understand how that is possible, I know that it is true. I think that it will be painful initially but I want to see food in a different way. Not as something to fill my void but as something to give me energy and vitality. That is what food is. Energy. Nothing more. Nothing less. Granted sometimes food can be fun and exciting....just watch the Food Network! But, for me, it needs to be sustinence and nothing more. So, thats it. I know I can do this. I have tried and failed so many many times. This has to be it. One of the things that made me realize that Im in a bad "relationship" with my food was the fact that no matter what the motivation, I cant give it up. For example, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ballroom Dancing and miss it very much. I found an adult Ballroom Dance camp that BYU holds every summer with professional instructors from around the world....including some from the show Dancing with the Stars. It is one week long and I sooooo want to attend. It costs $400. I am too FAT to attend. My dad offered to pay for half of it if I could lose the weight that I wanted or needed to. That was last summer, I have only gained weight since that offer. I truly believe that there is nothing out there that could motivate me enough, at least material things anyway. Today my motivation is that I have 3 beautiful children who dont deserve the example I am setting. They are still young but very aware of my FAT. I dont want them to struggle with this demon. Especially my daughter. I dont ever want her to feel the way I do.....the self loathing, the disgust. Not her. I want her to love herself so she can reach her full potential in life. My boys too, but it is more difficult on girls in today's world. This is my main motivation. My doctor tells me I am pre-diabetic. That should be motivation right? But there are justifications. "I have always been healthy regardless of my weight". "Im tall and hide it well". "I am big boned and can handle extra weight". This is the stuff that circulates inside of my head when I am feeling ashamed. Excuses.....lame ones. I could go on but I think this enough for my opening post. Tomorrow I will begin Weight Watchers. I will post my weight and other statistics tomorrow along with a beginning picture. I have also scheduled an appointment with a therapist. Something new for me. An approach I havent tried but feel confident could be the missing piece to my success. So, until then......