Skinny Jeans

Its Official....

2009-11-02T22:49:00.002-07:00

I can actually run a half marathon. No, I havent run in my race just yet....2 1/2 more weeks for that. However.....Sunday morning I successfully ran 13.1 miles for my long run! It was painful and difficult considering I have a bad case of brochitis and I didnt plan my route very well and ended up with A LOT of hills. But, I still did it. Big Sur Half Marathon, here I come!!!

Where Have I Been....?

2009-09-20T22:50:00.002-06:00

This seems to be the question of the moment for my blogging. Well, August just was a busy mess. What can I say! We had lots of out of town guests, a trip to Arizona, 2 kids starting school and I also started school. Anyway...blogging hasnt been a priority. Unfortunately due to some of the houseguests, I didnt do very well this month with my eating plan. Luckily the damage was minimal and fixable so I am trying not to get too upset about it but it has been very difficult getting back in the game with my food. I also let my running slip and fell behind on my half marathon training program by 3 weeks! Ugh....its OK though. Instead of increasing my mileage by a mile each week I am increasing it by 1.5 miles and this way I will be able to get a 14 mile run in 2 weeks before the big race. This makes me feel great! In fact tonight I completed a 7 miler! Im so excited that I am searching for a local 10k to enter....I need some racing experience under my belt before November and now that I know I can run a 10k....I may as well do it!

So, thats the update....making progress even though sometimes it is slow, at least it is progress and that is what counts!

YES!!!

2009-07-23T11:08:00.002-06:00

Well, I have to say since the last time I posted (8 days ago) that I havent been really motivated. I've stuck with the program but only barely. Everyday I have struggled with giving up and shoving platefuls of mexican food, smothered in sour cream, into my mouth and then finishing it up with a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts..... but, I didnt do it. I went the gym....ate my protein and veggies and kept those hideous thoughts to myself. I wonder sometimes if I am the only person who struggles this way. You here all kinds of success stories from various women...and I only include women because men seem to have it easy when it comes to weight loss... but, I think sometimes that I am the only one out there that struggles with these thoughts of eating myself to death. I know that isnt true of course

So anyway.....I decided this past Saturday, after staying the same weight for over a week, that I was going to continue doing the protein/veggie thing for one more week. If by this Saturday I hadnt lost anymore, then I was going to go back to previous eating plan. Yesterday I was so un-motivated that during my workout, I decided I wouldnt workout another day this week. I was just going to quit until next Monday... When I woke up this morning I decided I would weight myself just to see if anything had changed, even though I wasnt going to weigh until Saturday. Im so glad I did because I have lost 3 more pounds since last Saturday!!! What a relief and it has given me renewed motivation to continue....its amazing what a little weight loss can do for your psyche! This puts me at 228....I havent been below 230 for 5 years. Im so excited!

A Month Later.....

2009-07-16T21:37:00.002-06:00

It has been a month since I last posted. Things have continued to go well. My knees have been killing me and so I made an appointment with an Orthopedic Doctor. He took xrays and everything looks fine! Thanks heavens...knee problems are the last thing I need. Basically I need to strengthen my ham strings and core and also stretch the ham strings really well...this will help alleviate the knee pain. I have a bone scan scheduled for the 27th to check out the possible stress fracture however, I feel good about it as it has not bothered me much lately.

Weight loss has been slower than desired...what else is new. It is going down though...slowly, but surely. That is all I can ask for I guess. Im almost into my 220's (that still sounds awful) and I havent been there since after Ian was born. He's 9 now if that gives you an idea of how long I have been struggling with my weight. I ran 3 miles the other night and am now getting into a structured half marathon training program. Its only 4 months away!! Im so nervous.

My self observation this week is that my boobs now stick out farther than my stomache! I know, TMI right? But, seriously. I looked down this morning and only saw chest...YAY. Very exciting stuff....This has been such hard work, if I ever gain it back then I give you permission to kick me. Hard.

An Update...

2009-06-15T21:10:00.002-06:00

Well, things are going well I suppose. Ive had some trouble with my scale lately and kept getting odd readings. I changed the battery but that didnt help and then tried one more time with a Lithium battery (since thats what is supposed to be in it apparently) and when that didnt work I gave up and bought a new scale. I dont know how accurate my numbers have been in the past 2 weeks due to the sketchy scale but according to last weeks weight on the bad scale and what I weighed Saturday on the new scale, I have lost another 5 pounds! I'll take it. Any movement of the scale in a downward motion is a good thing for me.

As far as running goes, I have taken a hiatus for the past couple of weeks. There has been some concern that I may possibly have a stress fracture on my shin. Obviously I dont want to make it worse and I am praying that it isnt the problem. But, the best thing to do was to give it a rest. I am going to be resuming my running tonight though so we shall see if the problem is still here. In the meantime I have been working out with Surba, my personal trainer 6 days a week for the past 3 weeks. It has been tiring but worth it. I can see my arms toning up and I feel great. Im hoping the scale will continue reflecting my hard work! I will keep you posted.

Dusting Off the Cobwebs.....

2009-05-24T14:47:00.003-06:00

Okay...so here it is, months and months later with no updates. I guess you can say I pretty much lost my focus. I have struggled since January to get back onto my goals. After the injury period of December, I entered the depressive period in January. I went through the weirdest "funk".....some say it might be that SAD condition where the weather makes people depressed. I really dont know what it was but January was a total fog. I made it through however, and in February I was determined to get back in focus. Would you believe I gained 10 pounds in 3 weeks! Im not kidding. I dont feel like I overate necessarily but I definitely didnt exercise and I think that was the key thing. So in February, I was going to buy a treadmill and run at least twice a day on it plus go to the gym for weight training. Then my father-in-law died and those plans were put on hold. I think sometime in March my brother invited me to join him on Saturday mornings working out with his personal trainer. I would pay for half the session....sounded reasonable. It was the best thing I have ever done.....

I decided, at the urging of an old friend, to sign up for a half marathon. No, your eyes arent playing tricks on you, I said a HALF MARATHON! It isnt until the middle of November and it is in beautiful Monterey California....Im so excited for it. I figured if I paid for it then I will make sure I can at least finish it. So, this personal trainer then went the extra mile and had me start logging my food each day. He also drew up a nutrition plan of sorts for me to follow. It took all of April to really get into some consistency with it but Im getting it done now. Also, I have increased my workouts with him to 4 or 5 days a week instead of just on Saturday and finally....after almost 5 months of miserable failure....I lost 5 pounds this week!!! I feel so great. Its only 5 pounds but it is a step in the right direction. I am so determined to do this...it is going to happen. I am deleting all of my stats from the sidebar since they are from last year and really dont apply anymore. I will be entering new stats soon and hopefully some new pictures too! So, here I go again...I have goals and I have a way to attain them. After watching the Biggest Loser these past couple of months, I know I can do it. These were really heavy people and they worked hard and look great! They also ran a full marathon so there is NO WAY I cant do a Half Marathon! Im so excited.....

An Update....

2009-01-09T09:56:00.003-07:00

Ok. I havent been doing too well with keeping this blog updated. Sorry. The holidays really took over this year as far as my time was concerned. Anyway, after I ran that 5k in November I was extremely motivated and itching to really start running seriously. It took me a week or 2 to actually recover from that race because I really pushed myself. During that time I agreed to join a team running a relay race in June of this year. Its called the Wasatch Back.....it sounded like so much fun and a real challenge. At the time, there was no question I would be able to run it. I was taking someones place on the team who had become pregnant and couldnt run it. I found out after signing on that her particular legs (its a relay race) were the hardest ones to run. That was discouraging for me but I was still determined. Then early in December I woke up with severe sciatic nerve pain in my lower back. I could barely stand and it lasted pretty much all of December. I hardly ran at all during that month....and when it wasnt my back it was my knee or my shoulder. I was a mess physically. So, toward the end of the month I decided not to worry about it until the first of January and just start over. That still gave me 6 months to train for this big race. I went to the gym Monday and tried to run.....it was as if I had never run a step. I could barely last a half of a mile! I went home very upset and discouraged. Ive had butterflies in my stomache ever since and as a result (because my back is already acting up again) I have chosen to pull out of the relay race in June. I am still going to train as if I am running in it, but Im not about to push myself to the point of injury again. It just isnt worth it. Also, if I am going to be so stressed out about it, I wont enjoy it and I want to enjoy running..... Im struggling with feeling like a whimp but I know I did the right thing. The moment I sent the email exlpaining the situation it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

In the meantime, Im still running and now I am aiming to run the Deseret News 10k in July. I think that is a more reasonable goal for me. There is always next year for the Wasatch Back. I will do it one day......

2008-11-10T17:56:00.003-07:00

Saturday, I ran my very first race. It was a 5k and I was very nervous about it. Technically I wasnt as prepared physically as I would have liked to have been but Im still happy that I went through with it. What a great feeling to #1 have it over with and #2 to have DONE IT in the first place! Denver came with the kids and Nate, Alisa and Soren also met me at the finish line. How cool is that? It was great seeing them at the end. I finished somewhere right in the middle of my age group which was better than I expected. I kept my pace up to what I have been doing lately too which was good. I wasnt too worried about my time....that will come later!

So, I did have to walk for about 60 seconds up the hilly part but it wasnt too long....however, now I am determined to be able to run a 5k all the way through without stopping even for a second. Im going to work hard on it! I really want to be able to run a 10k by next summer....I think I can do it.

YES!.....

2008-10-29T11:05:00.002-06:00

I finally managed to run 2 miles today! I felt so good when I started running and I just kept going and before I knew it I was at 2.16 miles! Amazing....Im so excited. If I can just maintain that for a couple of weeks that would be awesome and then I can work on getting up to 3 miles which is my goal. It would feel so great to be able to run 3 miles a day........awesome!

What Can I Say....

2008-10-23T12:20:00.002-06:00

but the same thing again....no weight lost this week. I do however feel like I am regaining a handle on my eating. Slowly. Just eating better one day has helped to spark the desire to keep it going so hopefully I cant get back on the wagon....or off the wagon however the saying goes. I am still running everyday however I am stuck at a mile and a half. Mentally I just quit at that point. Any suggestions as to how I can push past that? I have decided to enter a 5k race that runs 3 weeks earlier than the original 5k I was going to do. Crazy? Maybe. But Im hoping it will push me to work harder during my runs because I know that it is all mental. I figure that I can run the first half of the 5k no problem....the 2nd half I will probably have to stop a couple of times to re-group but Im OK with that. I just want to finish having run as much of it as I can, oh, and I dont want to be last.. ha ha. I think it will be fun and really motivate me to work harder at running better. I might even run a 10k next summer.....maybe :)

At The Gym....

2008-10-03T11:23:00.002-06:00

So this morning I met with a trainer at 24 hr fitness. She was really great and helped me organize my thoughts about my goals. We talked about nutrition which is my biggest hurdle. The working out part has caught a hold of me and I enjoy it now. If I miss it I feel crappy. My biggest hurdle right now is food. The past few weeks I have done less than stellar in the healthy eating department. So, what I am doing is running my butt off just to maintain my weight and that is no good. Ive got to get a hold of my food intake. If I were eating right, I would have lost so much more weight by now. It is so frustrating. I wish I had a personal chef to make meals for me so I would have to think about it. Anyway, my weight loss for September is pathetic....only 1 pound! for the whole month! It should have been at least 7 so I need to get on the ball......

A "Mile"stone.......

2008-09-15T09:44:00.004-06:00

Im sure it may not seem like much to some of you out there but today I was able to run 1 mile without stopping. I have been hitting a wall lately and not feeling like I could run any further than I was running already so I decided to change things up this morning. I ran a different route and just refused to stop until I truly had to. I didnt know how far it was until I drove it later. So, now the plan is to run this mile every day for the next week or 2 and then try to run further until eventually I can run 3 miles!

Grateful.....

2008-09-14T11:21:00.003-06:00

So, I had my weekly report meeting with Aunt Deb yesterday.....no good news, but no bad news either. Well, I guess my measurments were smaller...that was good news. An inch or 2 lost on my waist, rear, and chest. I didnt lose any weight this time but with the way I ate this week I should be glad that I didnt gain any! Really. I mean, it wasnt glutinous or anything but Pizza for dinner one night. McDonalds for lunch another day. I maintained some control and ordered the small fries and not the HUGE size. The problem is that once I start eating that junk, I want the other junk. Hence the ENTIRE bag of licorice I ate on the way to work one night......and the candy bar I ate another day. I dont know if it is mental or chemical, the correlation between fast food and junk food but they seem to go hand in hand for me. So, today I am GRATEFUL that I didnt gain any back and am recomitting to eating right this week.

I will give myself some praise because I have still gotten up and ran every morning including last night. Saturdays I ususally sleep in and run at night. Although last night I just power walked because dinner wasnt sitting well with me and every time I tried to run I felt worse....but I still moved! I think that is key to why I didnt gain weight this past week. Hopefully that means my metabolism is working more efficiently.

I am also GRATEFUL that my body is cooperating with me and allows me to continue exercising. Considering that I weigh as much as I do, running ought to be killing my knees at this point. But, I feel GREAT! Maybe all that dancing in my younger years is paying off in some way. I always have had strong legs which is a good thing considering how much weight is bearing down on them. So, I am feeling much better and this week coming I will attempt to push myself a little and see if I cant run a little longer....a little further. Wish me luck.

2 down 54 more to go!.....

2008-09-06T18:23:00.003-06:00

Ok, so I havent updated this for a bit. Still doing the slim fast twice a day with a balanced meal for dinner. Still getting up at the butt crack of dawn to run/walk. Still making progress. I weighed in today a little worried because I had been to Las Vegas over the weekend and basically for 4 days did nothing and ate whatever. I had big plans to keep my exercise going while there. My mom and I even talked about walking together. Didnt happen. I didnt go crazy with food but I did eat more than usual and of couse, no slimfast.

I got on the scale this morning not expecting much but hoping for at least some maintenance. Good news! I lost 2 more pounds! This means great things for me. Number one it means that the running has done something to my flatlined metabolism and that I can still eat good stuff once in a while and still lose weight. Number two, it means that I am 2 pounds closer to my skinny jeans! Wahoo! Small miracles. I am setting a goal to lose 34 pounds by February 1st. That is roughly 7 pounds a month. Think I can do it?

Ok, Im in a Better Mood today.....

2008-08-23T21:26:00.002-06:00

Im feeling better after my little tizzy on the last post. I lost 4 pounds this week! Isnt that awesome. I finally decided on an eating plan that works for me.....at least now. Im drinking slim fast shakes for breakfast and lunch and eating a balanced dinner....plus I eat a snack during the day. Either a Fiber One bar or some fruit. Its easy. No thinking. No counting. No trying to figure out what to eat. And apparently it works for me! I even bought a pair of jeans today at Old Navy and I havent been able to do that for quite some time! YES! Im feeling much better today.

Im So Confused!!!!!......

2008-08-22T11:21:00.002-06:00

Can I just tell you how much I HATE dieting. Not because I cant shove handfuls of bread, cake, and tacos in to my mouth whenever the mood strikes me (which is often).....not because I have to watch the things I eat and how much I am eating. Not even because it is soooooo boring.... I hate it because I have no idea how to do it. Which diet to follow, which works the best for my body, which is the best one for my lifestyle.....etc. It is so freakin confusing that I just want to give up. Then I have to be married to a man who just has to skip a meal and he loses 2 pounds a day practically when I struggle to lose just 1 a week. I really sucks. I started out with the CAD which worked great the first week but then not only did it slow down, but I got soooooo sick of eating salad and eggs. I had to stop. Then I thought I would try straight protein....like the Atkins diet because I am desperate to get 10 or 15 pounds off so my running wont be so torturous. Well that lasted a day or two and I was done. I cannot do that diet anymore. So, where am I now you ask? I am doing slim fast for 2 meals and then eating a balanced dinner. I started this a few days ago and have lost almost 3 pounds. Im just going to stay with this one no matter what because it is easy. I dont have to think about what I am going to fix. I just drink one and Im done. So this morning I hit 239. Finally I am below 240. It has taken forever to get back there. I'd like to get off another 10 pounds between now and the middle of September. If only I could average 10 pounds per month. Im going to try!!

No Excuses.....

2008-08-02T10:38:00.002-06:00

Ok, I have been following the Carbohydrate Addicts program with great results. I started it last Thursday (not 2 days ago, but last week). I have lost 5 pounds so far in one week. It hasnt been easy. Im pretty sick of eggs and salad. But I LOVE getting up everyday and seeing a loss on the scale. I know it is going to be short lived.....as with any diet the first couple of weeks work great but then it slows down. However, it has been nice getting the weight I gained back off quick. I havent gotten my exercising up to par yet. I had excuses at first that were really important...... No water bottle.....I need an armband for my ipod first...... Well, now I have both, so no more excuses. I walked a mile and a half last night. Im feeling back in the game.

Starting Over.....

2008-07-15T22:54:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I am starting over. Well I guess not completely. Its not as if I have gained all of my weight back. Just 8 pounds of it. Blah! It is such a struggle for me and I HATE HATE HATE the whole subject of health and fitness. Ok....now that I got that off my chest. I just got back from a walk...probably just a mile or so but it was enough. Funny how fast you get out of shape and yet it takes soooo much work getting into shape. Whatever. Im still determined so I guess that is a good thing. I'll post more later.

No More Plateau....

2008-06-23T10:06:00.002-06:00

If you were wondering why I havent posted in a while, its because Ive been on a plateau of sorts. The kind where nothing is happening on both ends....the weight loss end and the working to lose weight end. But, I can officially say today that Im off the plateau having gained 6 pounds back of the 20 I had lost. It only took me 2 months to do it too....can you believe it!

UGH! Im so disgusted. I cannot stand myself right now. The other day, I was driving to a store dowtown and it actually felt weird being out of the house. I have become a shut-in. I dont go anywhere. I never have the energy to do it nor can I fit into any cute clothes. I dont want anyone to see me so I just stay inside. It is hurting my children and I just cant do this anymore. I dont understand why it has to be so hard. It isnt fair. Its not like Im some kind of glutton.... eating 8,000 calories a day. Sure, I dont always make the best choices of food but I dont make a pig of myself....except when homemade rolls are on the table.

Ive got to do something soon.

Make Believe.

2008-04-30T11:52:00.000-06:00

Im officially erasing the month of April from my memory. Pretend it never even happened this year. So that means Im not counting it as a wasted month on my get fit plan. It just was never there to begin with which means as far as my weight loss is concerned, yesterday was March 31st. And Im moving on from there!

I did a kickboxing class yesterday although the only thing that was kicked was my rear end! Wow. I love kickboxing but it nearly killed me.....a few more of those classes and I will be running full marathons by the end of the summer!

Starting Over.....

2008-04-22T07:09:00.001-06:00

So, I guess Im starting over again. Thankfully I only let a couple of weeks go by before I got back on the wagon....or off the wagon....however that goes. Of course Vegas threw me off a little but I still went to the gym right away. The problem came that first weekend that I went back to work. I came home....tired of course, and slept so deeply that I didnt realize my shoulder had popped out of joint. I have a trick shoulder that kindof pops out if I raise my hand above my head. Apparently I had my arm up over my head while I was sleeping and unfortunately I slept on it that way for quite some time because when I woke up, I could hardly move my arm. It hurt sooooooo bad for days. It felt like bursitis or tennis elbow only in my shoulder. Well, I decided I could still work out, I would just be careful so Monday morning I went to the gym as usual and made it worse. Dumb. Anyway, I had to take a week off from the gym to let it heal and in the meantime I had 2 birthday parties for my children.....needless to say I have eaten too much of the wrong thing and no gym all week long. I feel so gross.....bloated.....UGH!~ So, this morning I dragged myself out of bed and went back to the gym. I think Im going to just do slim fast twice a day with a meal at night for at least a week to try and shock my body back into eating less..... We go to Kentucky in a month and I would like to lose another 7 or 8 pounds. We'll see!

Back to the Routine....

2008-04-15T14:18:00.000-06:00

Well, I took last week off from the gym due to sick kids and other excuses I wont list. But, I went back yesterday and will start hitting it really hard. We are going on a trip in the end of May and I would like to lose another 10 pounds by then. I cant say that Im doing so great food wise....it is birthday week for 2 of my kids and Im doing my best not inhale the remaining cookies upstairs. Ive already eaten 3 (I know.....glutten) So, not much to report. Same old stuff......same struggles.....same weight......same same same.

Im Home....

2008-04-09T20:38:00.000-06:00

So, I went on vacation this weekend to Las Vegas. Met some friends of mine from the the military that I havent seen in 11 years. It was a blast! I did pretty good. By that I mean I didnt gorge myself on too much food and I hardly ate any sweets. I had a pretty decadent Filet Mignon one night though and that was definitely my splurge! So good. Anyway, I havent made it back to the gym this week due to many excuses that I wont bother listing...... I decided to start my program again on Monday and take the rest of this week to get my house back in order again.

Stats.....

2008-04-03T23:21:00.001-06:00

Okay, so I know that I never did post my original measurements. Somehow between the gym and home I lost them. But, today I had my measurements done again. Exactly one month from the first time. And here it is in a nutshell. Some measurements went down....arms, neck, back. Some stayed the same....legs, waist. My weight went from 244.7 to 239.2....almost 6 pounds lost. The best part though is that my body fat percentage went from a horrid 40% to a 37%! Im very happy about that because it means that I am not working in vain. All in all I lost 11 pounds of actual body fat and gained 5 pounds in lean muscle which balanced out to 6 pounds of weight loss. Yay. Although I am getting weighed at the gym, it is usually around 6:00 in the evening so I am using my morning weight that I take to gage my overall weight loss.

Im off to Vegas in the morning. Im going to enjoy myself but try to use some restraint in the eating department. Wish me luck!

Monotonous.....

2008-03-31T14:10:00.000-06:00

Did I even spell that right? Ugh. This is how I am feeling about my workout/diet thing right now. It seems like Im spinning my wheels. In the gym out of the gym.....same foods.....different day. BORING. Plus the scale is not moving! Im so frustrated! I talked to a trainer today. We scheduled a time to check my measurements again. Its been almost a month since he measured me the first time. This should tell me if I am truly spinning my wheels or if it is actually working. I will find out Thursday night. Im going to work really hard this week on not eating anything that I shouldnt. I do pretty good most of the time but that is obviously not working for me. I guess Im going to have to be super strict about it. Im going to Vegas on Friday which means I will miss Friday's workout....... One day should be OK though.

Its a Good Day....

2008-03-22T18:43:00.000-06:00

So today Im having a great day. Just for fun (or torture if it didnt turn out well) I decided to try on some pants that I have been saving from a skinnier time. Not exactly the thinnest but definitely thinner than I am now. I just wanted to see how close I was to getting back into those pants. VERY CLOSE......that is the discovery and I couldnt be more thrilled. In fact one of them fit just fine right now which put me through the roof with happiness. The others fit, but not as comfortably as I would like....10 more pounds though and watch out! What a good day. The best part about it is that it will mean that I can finally shop at Old Navy again and not at the fat girl stores.....if you are thin, you have no idea how exciting something like this is. To be able to walk into normal stores and not feel like you are totally out of place......I cant wait.

YAY!

2008-03-21T21:08:00.001-06:00

So tonight is my 10th anniversary being married to Denver. We went to Olive Garden for dinner and then afterward we decided to go shopping. I'm going to Las Vegas to meet some friends of mine from when I was in the Air Force. Needless to say Im nervous since I weigh nearly 80 pounds more now than I did then. I have zero clothes to wear either. So my husband wants me to buy new clothes but Im dreading the whole process. I dont want to try on something only to have it not fit. Long story short, Im down about a size and a half. I say that because technically I could have gone one more size down but it wouldnt have been quite comfortable just yet....therefore its a size and 1/2!~ Exciting though. Im very happy about it and cant wait to keep going down. This picture is when I first started dating Denver. I weighed about 175 here which actually is when I first started to gain weight! I could handle looking like this again!

Plateau.....

2008-03-19T07:45:00.000-06:00

I feel a little frustrated this morning. So, I know that I could always do better with my diet but Im working out pretty consistently so I feel that the occasional "snack" it OK because I dont like to completely deny myself. That being said, Im hating the fact that the scale numbers havent moved recently. As heavy as I am and as hard as I am working out, I feel that I shouldnt be hitting a plateau already. I know that I am losing inches because I can feel it in the way my clothing fits but it is still hard.

I was laughing yesterday because this book that I am following, "Hot Point Fitness" said that by now working out should be a habit for me, which it is. But then it said I could possibly be craving my workouts now as well. WHAT?! Honestly I dont think I will ever CRAVE working out. Now, I do feel like crap both mentally and physically if I miss a workout, this is true but to say I physically crave going to the gym is just hilarious. I suppose there are people like that but I dont think it will ever be me. Every night when I go to bed and set the alarm for the crack of dawn I grumble about it and excuses to not go start running through my head. I am proud of myself though for continuing to go despite my inner resistance to it. Maybe one day I will be addicted to exercise. Never say never right? For now, I just want to be skinny again. Better than skinny, Id like to be in shape and healthy. I just wish my body would let it happen instead of clinging to this fat like a lifeline! AH!

Still here.....

2008-03-18T16:23:00.000-06:00

So I have had a busy week with visitors and guests. Even though I havent posted much, I am still going to the gym every day like a good little girl. I did pretty good resisting some treats over this past week and still indulged in a little bit here and there. Overall the numbers on the scale havent changed this week but I feel a difference in my clothes. I guess that means it is still working!

Slowly but Surely.....

2008-03-09T11:42:00.000-06:00

Ive lost 2.3 pounds since I weighed last. In fact yesterday the scale said 239.4 and I was so EXCITED because I had broken into the 230's. I havent been in the 230's since about 4 years ago. It seems sad to be excited to weigh 230 something pounds and believe me, I still feel like a grotesquely overweight slob, but that being said, it is still nice to know that I am in a different set of 10's. Im going to work extra hard this month to take off another 10 pounds so I can be in the 220's! Of course I had to ruin my excitement this morning and get on the scale again. Bad girl. It was 240.3..... but thats close enough to blame it on the scale position right?

My Measurements....

2008-03-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

So Monday I got weighed and measured by a trainer at 24 fitness. It was embarrassing of course but Im glad I got it over with. Somewhere between the gym and home I lost my copy of them though. I promise that isnt a convenient coincidence. I really lost them. But I do remember my body fat percentage....which is HORRIBLE! 40%! OMG I feel so fat! Anyway, at least now I will be able to see each month if that number is coming down or not....it has to come down. Horrible!

New Scale.....

2008-03-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

So, Ive struggled and struggled with a decision but have finally made it. Im not going to go to Weight Watchers anymore. Here's the thing. It cost's $12 per week which is.....$48 per month. I really dont get much out of the meetings themselves, I really just do it for the weigh in's. It's the pressure of getting on the scale in front of someone. Accountability. So, anyway, I really want to take these supplements that I took before when I was training at the gym in Chandler. They seemed to work pretty good and so I would like to take them again. Im sure you've heard of Apex Fitness products before. Well, I cant justify the cost of those every month AND the WW's.....since I feel really good and strong and I know that Im on a roll with the diet part (ie, I understand the portions I need, points I need, etc....) I went ahead and bought a new scale....a digital one so I can get accurate readings and Im going to try this on my own for a while with the Hot Point Fitness book and the supplements. Scary. Oh, and I'm going to do weekly weigh in's in front of Denver for the accountability part. Not to mention that every 21 days I get re-weighed at my gym in front of the trainers there.....thats accountability right?

I have to say that digital scales are crazy though. Depending on where I put it on the floor in my bathroom it gives me a different reading.....Guess where I ended up putting it? On the part of the floor that gives me the lowest reading.....OF COURSE! HA!

New Weigh In.....

2008-03-01T12:30:00.000-07:00

So I weighed in today. 242. Again not FABULOUS results but good results nonetheless. I really should be happy to lose just a pound or 2 a week because it is supposed to mean more permanent weight loss right? I still cant get the 30 pounds my husband has lost out of my head. After my workout yesterday, I met with a trainer to schedule an appointment to take my measurements. and body fat. That is on Monday. So I will post those when I get them. Unfortunately I didnt do that when I started because Im sure they are less now than they were in January. Oh well, I will just go from here!

2008-02-28T15:03:00.001-07:00

OUCH.....my legs really hurt!

Frustrated.

2008-02-27T10:35:00.001-07:00

So, yesterday I realized that my husband....who started this journey with me at the same time....has now caught up to me in weight. Where Ive only managed to lose 13 pounds, he has managed to lose 30. How is that fair? Seriously it makes me sick. Of all the things, physically, that women have to suffer with you'd think that God would at least make one thing easy on us.... losing weight. Am I right? I just feel like it shouldnt be this difficult. I shouldnt have to work SO hard for something. Granted, I understand that if you eat like a pig and dont exercise then you will get fat.....pretty quickly.....but on the opposite end, if you eat healthy and exercise everyday, then you should lose weight just as quickly. Its only fair! Ok, Im done venting.....

I made it to the gym again this morning and after the weight training, I started on my cardio but 10 minutes into, I had to leave because I thought I was going to throw up. I guess Im getting sick which would only make sense since all 3 of my kids have been sick. Its either the flu or Im pregnant and if it is the latter, I think I will crawl in a hole and disappear forever.....Im kidding, but not really. Im praying its the flu.

Early Morning Workout....

2008-02-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to the gym with new determination. I am going to do this Hot Point workout 3x a week if it kills me. I figured the best thing to do would be to go after work. The good thing about going this early, is that there only about 5 other people there. This meant getting to the gym around 4:30 am. The bad thing is that Im not sure that I feel like I worked out today since I came home and slept for 6 hours.....it feels strange. Well, Im glad I did it though. I felt so good today. Like I could just keep going. I dont know. I can really feel the healthy person inside of me wanting to break out. It is exciting to feel so motivated. I didnt think I would ever get to this place. Even when I mess up and eat too much, I just start over the next day without a thought. Before, I would just give up. So, I think Ive crossed a good bridge. I feel like I will start seeing good results soon. I didnt weigh in at Weight Watchers last week and I was supposed to go today but I think Im going to change my day to Friday. I will have a new weight report by then. I did weigh myself the other morning here in my house and it looks like I might be down another 3 pounds.....I hope!

2 days now....

2008-02-20T07:50:00.001-07:00

So today is the 2nd day in a row that Ive made it to the gym early! Hopefully I can keep it up. Yesterday I did the first day of the Hot Point Fitness. I worked my legs mostly but did a couple of arm exercises too. It felt pretty good. I was really self concious at first because the gym is packed at that time in the morning. But, after a few minutes, I just tuned it out and did the workout. Im excited to start seeing results from this. Today I just did the treadmill. Basically I will be doing the Hot Point weight training 3 days a week with cardio but then on the "off" days, I will still go in and do cardio. That way Im doing cardio 5 days a week and weights 3 days. I hope it works. Still doing pretty good with the nutrition part. Although Easter candy is out now and I have a serious addiction to Cadbury Mini Eggs......HELP.

Nervous....

2008-02-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

Well, Im feeling a bit nervous right now. This week hasnt been that great. Ive only made it to the gym 2 times. The 3rd time would have been Thursday but we had a horrible morning here. It had snowed during the night which of course I didnt realize until that morning so we were already 15 minutes behind due to the fact that I would have to scrape the windows. Then there is the added fact that whenever it snows, traffic is a compelte mess and you can add another 20 minutes just trying to get down the hill to Ian's school. Anyway, I started racing and rushing the kids and started the car ahead of time to get it warmed up at least. Then I couldnt find the ice scraper so Im outside in 7 inches of snow scraping the car with a baby wipes case. The wind was blowing all the snow off the garage roof so it felt like I was standing in a blizzard. I get in the warm car (already 20 minutes late leaving now) and start to back up and my car runs out of gas in my driveway. Now I have to start over scraping Denver's car........and so the story goes. Obviously no time for the gym because I have to be back at 9:30 to watch my nephew. Missing a day at the gym has really thrown me off and I have had to really resist eating badly. As you can see from the post above, Ive already done badly this week so I am continuing to struggle. I am finding that I am sneaking bites of the kids food, treats, etc. so much that Im sure Ive gained a pound or two this week. Im dreading the weigh in on Monday......plus my hubby and I are supposed to go to lunch and a movie tomorrow for a late Valentines Day celebration. Mexican food. Never good. Well, I will continue to struggle and resist and hopefully after Monday, I will begin again with stronger motivation. I start the Hot Point Fitness regimen next week too so hopefully that will make a big difference.

Sugar Cookies and Cream Puffs....

2008-02-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

Ok, Im feeling better this morning having just returned from the gym. I worked out extra hard today because last night I was a total pig. I actually considered throwing up over it....just for a minute though. I went to a church function to put together 72 hours kits. It sounded pretty safe but unfortunately, a lot of women in my church BAKE! So to my disappointment, the table was full of Valentine goodies 2 of which were my big weaknesses....Sugar cookies & Cream Puffs. AGH!!! I thought I'll just have one right? One and be done....thats the idea. Well, anyway, Im not giving full disclosure about the quantity that found its way to my mouth. Lets just say that Im an addict and apparently I cant have even one. Ridiculous. On a good note though, someone that I havent seen in a few weeks came up to me and said I looked like I had lost a bunch of weight! THANK YOU.....as I shove another cookie in my fat mouth.

Weekly weigh in......

2008-02-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, so Im not too happy about today's weigh in. Granted I didnt gain any weight which is always a plus but I only lost one stinkin pound. Of course the lady at WW says "oh honey that is great! One more pound less to lose!" Whatever. I love that Denver goes with me and is doing the WW thing with me but weigh ins suck because he always loses 2 to 3 times the weight that I do. He is already about to catch me in weight and soon will weigh less than me. He loses to 3 to 4 pounds every week. I hate men. It is always so easy for them. It isnt fair.

Ok, enough pouting. I am going to implement a new "program"...... my sis in law gave me a book called "Hot Point Fitness". This guy is a trainer to many professional athletes, hollywood types, etc. The book is not a "diet" at all. In fact other than giving you a list of different types of proteins, carbs, etc...and their calorie counts, the only eating advice is about portion control and calorie intake. It is all very general information. The point of the book is to incorporate "total fitness" and to really get your metabolism "cooking". By combining weight training, aerobic workout, and good eating it is supposed to transform your body quickly. Alisa swears by it. Also it gives you detailed workout plans for those (like me) who have no clue what to do with weights. Anyway, Im going to do it. I have this vision of me being really fit and it excites me. I know I can do it. Im leaving all of my negative thoughts about my weigh in today on this blog and Im not going to think about it again.

So much for that....

2008-02-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

Well, not a good workout today. It is snowing like mad outside and so by the time I dropped the kids off for school.....late, due to the snow.....and got to the gym, I only had 15 minutes to work out. Oh well, at least I still went and kept the habit up because what takes a dozen times to make a habit only takes once to break it right? So, for the month of January, I lost nearly 11 pounds. Its great! I had hoped for a bit more, but I am happy with what I did and know that if I continue, I will reach my goal. I wanted to be at 200 pounds by my birthday in September. I would have to lose an average of 5-8 pounds per month to do that and I am feeling optimistic that it will happen......

Another weigh in......

2008-02-06T07:40:00.001-07:00

another 2.6 pounds. Slow and steady wins the race right? Im off to the gym......

Progress....

2008-01-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

3 days in a row at the gym! Im having to increase the incline on the treadmill to keep my heart rate where it needs to be! Yay....it feels good to know that I am making progress.

Weighing In....

2008-01-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

So, I missed last weeks weigh in which made going this week even more nerve wracking. I was so afraid I wouldnt have lost anything which would make me sick. I did pretty good the past 2 weeks. Only small moments of weakness but nothing to ruin my efforts. I definitely need to work out more....working on that. I also need to drink more water....working on that too.

So, I get on the scale.....5.2 pounds lost in 2 weeks! Not great but not bad either. The depressing part is that Denver lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks. I hate men. It isnt fair and it really upsets me. But, there is nothing I can do about it so whatever. Ive lost a total of just a little under 9 pounds. This is great if it keeps up this way then I will have lost 30 pounds by April. I will keep that in the back of my head when twinkies start calling.

Feeling frustrated.

2008-01-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

Because I cant seem to feel motivated. One minute Im ready to go and do this and the next Im just thinking "forget it". I just know when I weigh in on Monday that I wont like it. I just have this feeling that after 2 weeks, there wont be a loss. I dont know if I can handle it. I only made it to the gym twice this week. I eat within my points but I dont make great food choices still. I dont know. Im feeling weak......

Try again....

2008-01-23T07:54:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I am off to the gym. I'm going to try this early morning thing again. Drop the kids off....straight to the gym. I think it will work better for me to get it out of the way first thing. I cant go during the day due to watching my nephew and by the time he leaves its dinner- homework -baths.....etc. No time or energy for the gym. Yes, I think this will work much better. Im finding myself wishing that this weight loss thing would happen quickly. I really am becoming interested in possibly running again.....ugh.....I cant believe I even said it. But, I was in great shape when I used to run in the Air Force....I'd like to enter a 5k or something next year. We'll see.....baby steps I guess. I need to lose almost 100 pounds.. That is just sick. I think I would be happy losing 80 considering I have had 3 children. 100 pounds would put me where I was in the Air Force before I had children.... that is probably wishful thinking but 80 pounds is very doable. If I averaged 2 pounds per week, in one year I would lose 104 pounds. This being said, I think 80 pounds is a very reasonable goal. But again, baby steps.. I'd like to start by losing 10 this month....

Weak....

2008-01-22T17:29:00.000-07:00

I swear. I must be the weakest person on this earth. Ive been doing so well that past couple of weeks but today has been difficult. A friend of mine brought over homemade oatmeal choc chip cookies......which, my kids didnt really like so I should have just thrown them away. But I couldnt do that. I ate 3 of them instead. I know that she made them with whole wheat flour but still..... I think I need to put a sign out in front of my house that says "NO BAKED GOODS ALLOWED". And, can I just say that I enjoyed every single bite of every single one that I ate? I think it must be like an addiction because I get such a sense of satisfaction out it. I mean, seriously, the second I take a bite its like a feeling of relief instantly floods my body. What is with that? I dont know.....I guess on the upside of things, I still have plenty of points for the day so I will be able to eat dinner and the cookies didnt do that much damage except for the fact that it feels like Im starting over. Right now I am struggling with whether or not to go to the gym. Im tired - My sis-in-law just picked up Soren a few minutes ago and my kids arent even dressed for the day (yes it is almost 6oclock.) It is freezing outside....I need to go to the store.... Excuses, excuses. I really wish I could just go to the gym without the kids once in a while but that is not my life right now. I am considering getting up early to go....before everyone gets up. It will be hard though because I HATE alarm clocks. I also feel guilty that Denver is sleeping and if Addison wakes up early he has to deal with her. People say I shouldnt worry about that because Denver would want me to go to the gym.....I think that is probably true most of the time but there will be a day here and there where it irritates him. Anyway, if I could just get myself to bed early with the kids at 8:30 then it would work....

Body Image......

2008-01-21T16:23:00.000-07:00

No Weigh In.....

2008-01-21T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well, we didnt make it to WW today for our weigh in. It snowed about 7 inches last night and is still snowing. Of course I got to drive home at 4:30 in the morning before any of the plows had made it out. That is the worst part about working my shift in the winter. I get to drive in the worst of the storms. I missed getting in 2 accidents last night literally by a hair. It was pretty scary and so we decided to stay in today and skip the meeting. The kids didnt have school due to MLK day so we are all just going to stay in and stay warm. I did get on my home scale which isnt very accurate and it shows me down a few pounds but who knows. That scale sucks. I will just keep it going this week and then next Monday maybe I will have an even better weigh in! More good news is that since we didnt go to the meeting, I actually got 7 hours of sleep. That is the most Ive gotten in a long time.....I think I will go to the gym today (after the roads get plowed)

One & be Done.....

2008-01-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I havent posted for a couple of days due to just being busy. Busy is good though because it keeps my mind off of food. I had a little relapse the other night though. I made a half batch of chocolate chip cookies for the kids. (at least that is what Im telling myself they were for....) I only ate 3 which was within my points still but I shouldnt have made them at all. Even if I still stick to my points, I need to give that stuff up otherwise it will continue to be an uphill battle for me. I hope to be able to eat just one eventually.....one and be done. That is going to be my new motto.

But in better news, I have made it to the gym twice this week and today will make 3 times....I will be going after Im done with this post. Mondays I cant go because I work all night the night before and spend the entire morning sleeping. Mondays are always shot for me because even after I get up, my motivation level is really low. I usually only get about 5 hours of sleep and it just isnt enough to sustain a workout. So, I went Tues, Thurs, and today. I will also go Sat and Sun if I can..... My knees were killing me the first day but yesterday I felt pretty good. Im going to just continue with my 30 minutes on the treadmill until I get about 15-20 pounds off, then I will increase my time and make it more intense. I dont want to ruin my knees and with all this weight bearing down on them it is amazing that they havent given out already.

The Gym....

2008-01-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it to the gym this morning. I think I thought of every excuse not to go while I was getting the kids ready for school but ultimately I went. I walked briskly on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Not long I know, but it's all I can manage right now. Im hoping to increase that time slowly. My knees were killing me by the end.....it sucks being fat. I took Addison with me and left her in the daycare center at the gym. I was worried she wouldnt make it without her brothers but she did great! That is a good sign that I will be able to continue going in the morning. Anyway, I hope to eventually start jogging. That is a ways off though considering my knees, but I would like to be able to run 2 miles a day in the near future. Ive never been a good runner. Even in the Air Force, I struggled with running. But, back then it was for an entirely different reason. I had always been larged busted and that made running uncomfortable. Now, I dont have that problem thanks to surgery but Im big everywhere else so I still cant run comfortably. I would like to eventually run a small 5k or something. Who knows maybe one day I will enjoy running......?

First Weigh In....

2008-01-14T14:23:00.000-07:00

Ok so technically its the 2nd. But I mean the first after actually starting my new way of eating. I didnt post on the weekend.....mostly out of shame. I did OK but I work a graveyard shift over the weekend and it is pure torture not eating during that 8 hours. Some would say that I should eat because my schedule is just reversed right? Wrong. It would be right if I got to sleep the whole next day but with my schedule and family life that is nearly impossible. 5 hours is the max I get to sleep so Im still up eating meals during the day. Anyway, since I really only work 3 nights, I dont see the sense in doing a different eating schedule every other day. Im just going to have to get through it. I do eat fat free popcorn or cashews once in a while for energy....also fruit. I figure those points arent really going to hurt me. So, Saturday night I decided to stay home from work since I had a PAC (an award that allows me to take a day off without reprimand). Denver and I decided to rent a movie after the kids had been put to bed. I had already eaten all my points for the day but we got treats anyway....the popcorn and diet coke were "point-less" but then I ate a bag of peanut butter m&m's and who knows how many points that was....I didnt dare look. All in all I did pretty good this week and so this morning we went to weigh in and .......... I lost a whopping 3 pounds. I know that is great on some levels but inside Im just sortof undecided about how I feel. You see, Im roughly 90 pounds overweight.....to me that should mean that the first 20 or 30 pounds should come off quite easily. Apparently that is not the case with me. Im hoping that when I add exercise into the mix that the pounds will come off a little quicker initially. I really need this for my brain to wrap around the idea of eating better. I understand that slower weight loss means more permanent results but I need to see some results initially or I get really depressed about it. Anyway, here is to another good week of eating right and being healthy......I am going to get those measurements on soon, I have to find my tape measure.

The "Talk"....

2008-01-11T13:55:00.000-07:00

Today I visited the Therapist for the first time. It went alright I suppose. She was nice enough... didnt seem too judgemental. It was a bit overwhelming though when she asked what was the main reason I had sought her assistance. Where do you start with that? Anyway, Im still a little skeptical about how much this is really going to help me considering that ultimately I still have to be the one making the choices in my life. She isnt going to make them for me. But, everyone says therapy works so I'll keep going.

Still doing good on day three of no sweets. But I should clear it up that I can have certain things such as the 0% fat ice cream I had last night. Its just 2 points per serving. When I say no sweets I mean snickers bars and brownies and cookies that I make....the good stuff. You know. Anyway, Im feeling better today physically....I think my body is happy to be eating less and healthier. Next week I have to tackle the gym though....Im scared for that.

Day 3.....

2008-01-09T23:22:00.000-07:00

So, Ive decided Im going to break this "lifestyle change" down into manageable goals. And those goals are not necessarily going to focused on actually pounds lost. No, this isnt about weighing less as much as it is about being healthier and having some pride in myself. The weight loss will just come along with those things. I thought for the first month I will set a weekly goal. One that I of course will continue and then build on with a new goal the following week. For my first week, the goal has been.......to resist sweets. I have an issue with baked goods. Not candy or anything like that.....doughnuts, cookies, brownies, that kind of stuff. I feel like that is the most severe part of my diet that I need to change. If I can go without it for a week then it will be easier to continue going without it. So far so good. Im only on day 3 but it was a good day. I think next week Im going to set 2 goals: 1. To make sure I get my daily water requirements in. and 2. to exercise at least 30 minutes 3 days out of the week....to increase each week of course. I feel more motivated today than yesterday.....

Sweet tooth....

2008-01-08T19:45:00.001-07:00

Ok so, I just had a yummy dinner that was totally satisfying. Im in a good mood. Listening to music, playing with the kids.....and I cant get my mind off of brownies. They say I should sit and try to figure out what I am feeling.....bored, depressed, anxious.....but I cant tell you really. Im fine. So why the intense craving.....why cant I stop thinking about it? If I didnt think I would eat the entire pan, I would make some right now. I would love to figure out what my problem is. I went to Shop n Go to grab a diet coke earlier and had to fight the urge to buy a bag of chocolate chips to make cookies......UGH! But, if I am going to focus on positive things, I DID resist those urges, painful as it was, I resisted. I hope that it gets easier to resist. I hope I can get to the point where I can just have one piece or one bite of something like that and feel satisfied.....yeah.

Weight Watchers.....

2008-01-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I managed to get myself and my husband to Weight Watchers this morning. I worked all night long and got home at 5am. This poses a huge problem for me....I snack all night long. I know I shouldnt but I get so bored and feel like I should be eating something. The nature of my work is data entry and we arent allowed to talk on the work floor so needless to say that after 3 months of working there, I dont know anyone except my brothers' wifes' brother...?????.... This means sitting alone and stuffing my face with vending machine junk.

Well, this morning we checked in and weighed and I wasnt as shocked as I thought I would be. Frankly, I feel like Ive gained 25 pounds in the past few months but apparently I havent gained more than about 3 pounds. Not too bad.....but lets not forget that at my weight even one pound more is disgusting. So, my weight.........drum roll please........ 257 pounds. At least my husband weighed more at 275. Either way it is gross. We sat through the meeting which was torture. We are going to a "mommy and me" meeting where they allow you to bring your kids. We have to bring Addison with us, the boys are in school. Lots of screaming kids and hard to pay attention. The first one is always the worst though.

Now, I am going to take some measurements and post them as well as a picture.....my camerman is already at work for the evening so it will have to wait until tomorrow. How am I feeling? Im dying for a cheese burger. Ive only eaten a slim fast and piece of toast and wheat thins today which is not enough food but Im so bored with what is in my house. I cant go to the store until Thursday (pay day) though so Im stuck with what we have and I would just rather not eat. That is half of my problem. I dont eat enough and my metabolism suffers for it. Plus, I need to get back to the gym. One thing at a time. I need to get in good eating mode first. Im not feeling very motivated today but I think that will change as I go......

This is the beginning of the end...

2008-01-05T14:37:00.000-07:00

This picture is not of me, but it is how I feel. I can no longer stand myself. I look into the mirror, a window, the eyes of people I know or dont know, and I am disgusted. I see a person who has given up on herself. How weak it feels to see that I dont care. That I have let my life consume the person that I used to be. It's funny, but when I am going about my daily routines, I dont feel like I am that overweight. Yes, I know that I am FAT but I dont think I realize just how FAT I have become. Until I see myself in a picture or a mirror. Total denial really. But, this is the end of the denial. When I go to my closet and my FAT clothes no longer fit, I know Im in trouble. So, it is the beginning of a new year. Why not a new me? I have decided to keep this blog journal of my experience. The ups and downs, because believe me there will be downs. The successes and failures. My feelings during this "break-up". That is what this is really. I dont eat for the enjoyment of food. I have a relationship with food. Even though I dont understand how that is possible, I know that it is true. I think that it will be painful initially but I want to see food in a different way. Not as something to fill my void but as something to give me energy and vitality. That is what food is. Energy. Nothing more. Nothing less. Granted sometimes food can be fun and exciting....just watch the Food Network! But, for me, it needs to be sustinence and nothing more. So, thats it. I know I can do this. I have tried and failed so many many times. This has to be it. One of the things that made me realize that Im in a bad "relationship" with my food was the fact that no matter what the motivation, I cant give it up. For example, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ballroom Dancing and miss it very much. I found an adult Ballroom Dance camp that BYU holds every summer with professional instructors from around the world....including some from the show Dancing with the Stars. It is one week long and I sooooo want to attend. It costs $400. I am too FAT to attend. My dad offered to pay for half of it if I could lose the weight that I wanted or needed to. That was last summer, I have only gained weight since that offer. I truly believe that there is nothing out there that could motivate me enough, at least material things anyway. Today my motivation is that I have 3 beautiful children who dont deserve the example I am setting. They are still young but very aware of my FAT. I dont want them to struggle with this demon. Especially my daughter. I dont ever want her to feel the way I do.....the self loathing, the disgust. Not her. I want her to love herself so she can reach her full potential in life. My boys too, but it is more difficult on girls in today's world. This is my main motivation. My doctor tells me I am pre-diabetic. That should be motivation right? But there are justifications. "I have always been healthy regardless of my weight". "Im tall and hide it well". "I am big boned and can handle extra weight". This is the stuff that circulates inside of my head when I am feeling ashamed. Excuses.....lame ones. I could go on but I think this enough for my opening post. Tomorrow I will begin Weight Watchers. I will post my weight and other statistics tomorrow along with a beginning picture. I have also scheduled an appointment with a therapist. Something new for me. An approach I havent tried but feel confident could be the missing piece to my success. So, until then......